Thursday, July 29, 2010

Shedding


(this sweet little sketch came from somewhere on the web. Claim it, so I can thank you for it)



Vildy wanted a shed. We call it a "Man-Barn"; a place to house the ugly, the smelly, the broken and the filthy. Our garage, already full-up with the boxed, the moldy, the half used and the I'll-get-to-its, made it only sensible to build a giant outbuilding. I think V wanted the structure for the practical reasons, but also because he'd impulsively bought a giant framing nailer at a yard sale. The gnarly thing fires long nails into wood with a shuttering, cannon-like report. I think the purchase of this tool and subsequent project was a little like buying impractical shoes and then throwing yourself a party so you can wear them. So Vild went to Home Depot and bought a bunch of 2x4's and about three dozen clips of ammo for his big, loud, nail gun, then threw a party for himself and his giant tool.

He built the shed in a weekend, complete with shingled roof, never asking me for help, except to hold a wall vertical while he nailed it in place. He painted it barn-red, yes, and it was perfectly excellent, sitting there at the top of our driveway. We filled it with all sorts of crappy stuff, and the man-barn kept it all warm and dry.

Then we got a letter from the township.

The Man-Barn was sitting too close to the property line. This is stupid for two reasons. One, we live between a cow flop and a soy bean. A drunk guy fires guns next door from his barcalounger for heaven's sake. No one would notice or care if I rode my lawn mower naked, streaming flypaper, while belting out the Ride of the Valkyries. The other reason its stupid is because we own the adjacent lot, a big wooded hill that would be ridiculous to build on, ever. So they were siting us on a technicality. He'd built something too close to a property line that he shares, with himself. Ah, bureaucracy, you never disappoint.

But sometimes you must genuflect to the Man in all his stubborn, paper-pushing, poorly attended, micro-power, minutes taken, triplicate-filing, fees paid wisdom. Vild attended the zoning board meeting.

Fifteen minutes later he stormed out of the zoning board meeting.

He had to move the Man-Barn twenty feet.

The following video explains so much about why I love Vild, and why you can live in a place if you have someone like this living with you.

Hey Zoning Board, guess which finger I'm holding up.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Cleveland, Always the Bridesmaid, never the Bride




Here's how I imagine the Cleveland pitch to Lebron went:




Cleveland
But, you grew up here. All your friends are here.

Lebron
I'm rich, so I can move all my friends to South Beach and buy them condos and jet ski's.

Cleveland
But, we're building a wind farm on lake Erie!

Lebron
Besides, I like big Latin bootie in tight skirts.

Cleveland
Have you been to Slavic Village? Wallto wall bootie in Lycra. No iron, stretch waist.

Lebron
I really like Cuban food.

Cleveland
Have you tried our Pirogies? We serve them as a dessert too!

Lebron
I'm really young and I'm excited for Miami night life.

Cleveland
Next year the Rock Hall might be in the running to host the inductee party. That will be at night.

Lebron
Winter is really very hard on my joints.

Cleveland
My brother has a plow service. He could give you a deal on your mom's driveway.

Lebron
I just signed my mom to a $750, 000 contract to fold my laundry and make that salad dressing I really like with the ginger.

Cleveland
I'd fold your laundry.

Lebron
Listen, you guys have been great. I'll always think of you when I eat a giant bratwurst.

Cleveland
We'll give you Akron outright. Seriously, take Akron.

Lebron
I like the name 'Heat'.

Cleveland
I like it when my furnace works.

Lebron
Listen, any time you're in Miami...

Cleveland
Will you still say hi to me if I wave to you?

Lebron
No. But I'll let you carry my book bag.

Cleveland
Deal.